Strengthening the Upward Spiral with Autistic Joy

There are many things I do now, that a younger me would have found difficult to believe. Running, being self-employed, enjoying going on holiday, but probably the one that seems the most unexpected is regularly having my nails done. Younger me would be even more surprised to learn that it had become a cornerstone of my self-care practice.

Looking after my physical body has always been something I struggle with. Poor interoceptive awareness means I am not always able to tell what I need or how I am feeling. Low self-worth means that prioritising my own health and wellbeing has often been a struggle and being in a state of discomfort, or ‘making do’ was my default for many years. Add in fluctuating executive function and struggling with transitions and even teeth brushing and showers can be tricky.

Unsurprisingly, given all of the above, I also had very little interest in the traditional ‘feminine’ past-times of hair and beauty. I never had a skin care routine, rarely wear make-up and my hair (despite the colours) is often left to fend for itself. While I enjoy getting dressed up, or being pampered, it always felt like too much for everyday, in time and energy; it felt more like fancy dress - which I have always enjoyed.

So how did I become someone who always has their nails done?

It started as a whim. After dropping my daughter off to have her nails done, I wondered what it would be like to get mine done. I’d never had good nails, I would pick them down to the quick and on the rare occasion I tried to wear nail varnish it would quickly chip. So I randomly (thanks ADHD) contacted a local salon who had an appointment free that afternoon and that was that.

I was lucky enough to find an incredibly talented nail tech (although she does so much more), who was warm and welcoming. I left that first appointment with sparkly nails to match my current hair colours, feeling cared for, and I haven’t looked back.

Alison at Classy and Fabulous, has become a non-negotiable in my self-care, because every time I leave an appointment (usually filled with laughter), I take ten perfect reminders of joy with me.

It doesn’t matter what my particular hyperfocus is on, she can find a way to incorporate it into my nail designs, making sure that I always have something to make me smile on the ends of each finger.

Highlights have been Star Trek uniforms, rainbow cats with hidden pride flags, pandas, and an array of colours to match my changing hair.

It is one of the most consistent ways I weave joy into my life.

Each appointment is an opportunity to stop and relax.

Each appointment allows me to laugh and connect.

Each appointment gives me the opportunity to share part of who I am without fear of judgement or rejection.

Each appointment is a reminder that I am deserving of care and of joy.

Each appointment lets me take a reminder of all of the above into the world with me.

So often in my work there can be a focus on what we need to take out, what is harmful, what needs to change. It’s why the downward spiral was the first part of the Two Spirals Model that I drew out. But I quickly realised that the upward spiral, what we need to add in is just as important, if not more so.

The things that regulate us, the things that support us, the things that challenge our negative self-talk, these are the things that support us to find our balance. Sometimes these things are big: jobs, relationships, where we live. But for many of us, it is about the small practices that we can come back to again and again. The reminders we create in our lives, through our environment and activities that help us to stay well.

Even when my capacity is at my lowest I can look at my fingertips and feel joy. Even when I’m struggling with executive functions I can throw on my comfy clothes and drag myself to the salon. Even if my executive function is low and I don’t have a clue what I want, glitter will be produced.

When I don’t have the energy to sparkle my nails remind me that it is still possible.

There are so many joyful things that I once denied myself because they were frivolous or wasteful.

Now I know that joy is the point.

My autistic and queer joys are valuable beyond measure. These parts of my identity that I have been told are not ok, the parts I have been told are too much, the parts I have been told make other people uncomfortable, the parts that I was told were problematic are the parts that have the most capacity to lift me up.

When we give ourselves permission to not just experience our joy, but to actively seek it out and prioritise it in our lives, this is when the upward spiral starts to become stronger and more resilient. This is when we find ourselves more able to resist the downward spiral, to not go hurtling down towards burnout. Joy becomes the handle we can hold onto so we don’t lose our way.

This is why my work with clients and other professionals explicitly talks about joy, why I invite special interests and hyper focuses into the therapy room, incorporating it into the work as much as possible. When we give clients permission to bring joy into therapy, we are also supporting them to give themselves permission to take it with them when they leave a session.

If you’d like to explore more about how we can weave joy into our client work with the Two Spirals Model, there’s still time to get your Earlybird ticket to September One Day Masterclass.

Full details here.