Supporting Rejection Sensitivity: Working with unreliable or misleading data

I’ve been asked a few time recently how I work with rejection sensitivity. It’s been buzzing round my head while I was on leave a few weeks ago so while I was up early one morning watching the amazing sunrise below, I wrote about it on my substack and I wanted to share it here too.

I can’t give a perfect one size fits all solution which will magically make rejection sensitivity go away, but I can share some of the ways I work with it when it comes up for my clients (and in my personal life).

There are always three threads that get woven together in my work and each should be approached with curiosity, kindness and compassion.

Knowledge

Rejection sensitivity isn’t a personal failing, it is often a response to a lifetime of being told you:

• are not good enough

• need to try harder

• should have known

• are being difficult

• are too… (much, sensitive, loud, quiet, etc.)

We are so used to being rejected that we have become hyper vigilant to any sign that it may be happening so that we can avoid it. Like all trauma responses, it is a form of self protection based on real experiences.

It is not an over-reaction, it is an understandable response to a lifetime of systemic oppression. It is data, but, we may need different parameters when it comes to interpreting it.

Getting to know what your experience of rejection sensitivity looks and feels like is an important first step in learning to manage it. This includes:

• thoughts you may have

• physical sensations you experience

• emotions you notice

• things that you do

It can be hard to notice these at first, and each of us will find some easier to access than others. Some people find it helpful to start by identifying when you may have experienced rejection sensitivity in the past or by asking others what they notice.

Understanding

It is important to remember that what you are experiencing is real, but just like any other hyper or hypo sensitivity, the interpretation may need to be adjusted to take account of your individual experience.

I find it helpful to think about it in the way that we might understand hyper and hypo sensitivity to pain. If there are three people (with the same physical health and context) who all have a similar injury, but one has a hypo sensitivity, one a hyper sensitivity and one an expected sensitivity you are going to get three very different responses from them, which will impact how they are treated.

The person who has the expected response is more likely to have their needs recognised and met due to their typical presentation.

The person with the hypo sensitivity (and those around them), may underestimate the severity of their injury and not receive the medical treatment they need.

The person with the hyper sensitivity may experience far more pain and discomfort, which can lead them (and others) to think there is something much more seriously wrong with them. This cause additional distress, as they are not only managing additional pain, but also worry about what might be wrong. The pain is real and needs to be treated accordingly, but understanding that there is a hyper sensitivity means they may be able to manage the additional worry rather than jumping straight to the worse case scenario before they receive more data.

Whether there is a hypo or hyper sensitivity, there is a risk of missing what is really going on, either because you learn not to trust any of the data or because the data leads you to an incorrect conclusion. Of course, sometimes the data and the experience do match up (it really is a broken bone rather tan a bruise) but this can be unreliable. Understanding your individual experience of pain and what is might mean for you will help to ensure that you take appropriate action, which for the person with hyper sensitivity might be dealing with the pain first so they can then assess what the injury is.

The same is true for rejection sensitivity, it is a hyper sensitivity to the possibility of rejection. You are not making it up or being difficult, the information you are getting from your brain and your body is telling you that rejection is happening right now and it is responding based on a life time of what that experience has been like. But, the important part is to start to understand when the data that you are receiving requires further investigation. It isn’t about dismissing the feelings, but it is about understanding what they mean for you and trying to find the pause point to re-regulate and check whether your initial response is helpful. Just like the hyper sensitivity to pain, it is a symptom to be managed so that you can figure out appropriate next steps.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often the hardest thread to weave in, it means not trying to change your experience of rejection sensitivity, but compassionately, acknowledging that (for now) this is how your body and brain responds to potential rejections. This acknowledgement and acceptance allows us to support it appropriately.

This means acknowledging that rejection sensitivity is something you experience, but from a place of kindness and compassion. It isn’t a failing in you, it is simply a response to experiences you’ve had, many of which will have been out of your control. What you can do is think about how you can respond in the present by focusing on what is in your control now.

If there are particular areas (people, topics, places) where your rejection sensitivity is more likely to show up, then it can be helpful to plan for that. This means considering if you have to be in the situation, what you need to help you regulate, how you might approach a topic differently to minimise the chance of your rejection sensitivity being activated unnecessarily. Sometimes it is something you can do, and sometimes the people around you can support you to feel safe and secure.

Acceptance also means recognising that we can’t always avoid it, but learning to spot the signs that rejection sensitivity is starting to show up, and thinking about what you need to manage it in the moment in the way that is least harmful to you and/or the people around you. Often this is about learning to take the time to deal with the initial distress and re-regulate ourselves before taking action.

What this looks like in practice will be different for everyone, depending on their individual internal and external context. It’s why the knowledge stage is so important in gathering the data about ourselves, as this often becomes the foundation on which our understanding and acceptance grow

It’s about meeting ourselves with curiosity, kindness and compassion as we learn to support our own experiences and remembering that this is a practice, not a perfect. It will take time to learn what works for you and none of us get it right all the time.